The Wrath of Tubs...?

2010-09-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

I found this little gem around the wee hours on Sunday morn'. Rednecks, flamethrowers and fire extinguishers...need I say more?

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

http://laughingsquid.com/ritalin-by-dancing-pigeons-a-flame-thrower-vs-fire-extinguisher/

for a larger vid.

If I Had Unlimited Resources, I Would...

2010-07-01T12:04:00.001-07:00

two chicks at the same time. And a badger for dessert.

My Favorite Mistake

2010-07-01T11:53:00.001-07:00

Probably my birth

Revenge of the Rad

2009-03-29T16:03:00.001-07:00

So I was Youtubin' it up and came across a nice little piece of viral fud that will be the backbone of some "weekly" events here with your very own Gruntalope. I put a link up on the top for the beard and mustache competition that I think you all should sign up for. Just look at these guys; old, fat, and with beards and or mustaches. Need I say more? I'm guessing the winning prize was some good 'ol moonshine and some Copenhaagen chew. Sounds good to me, but you don't have to take my word for it. Thanks Lavarr!

If losing a tooth is bad, then would a baseball size infection be worse?

2009-02-10T15:03:00.001-08:00

So I lost the tooth behind my lower right canine about three months ago from bad oral hygiene/genes/sparring. My mother is a R.D.A. and that couldn't help me from the path of destruction that I have forgone. I hate flossing so I only floss maybe once a week. My genes are bad because my teeth are too big for my mouth so I had some removed as an adolescent. Braces, neck gear, and retainers were handed out soon after. Crowding and sparring doesn't sit well with the roots and overall mouth layout. Anyschwayze, I didn't take care of the tooth when it was lost, so now I have an inflamed root which is hanging out with Amoxycillin as we speak. I've been busy with work, moving, and figuring out what I want to do with my life, or lack thereof so I decided to bring it back here. So, without further ado, I give you the new and improved planning of gruntalope.blogspot.com soon to bee gruntalope.com: mullet/'stache of the month contest. Santa Barbara hottie(female) of the month(If you were confused Elijah), Eating contests around Santa Barbara(i.e. Lettuce Be Frank's sliders challenge; it's at 28 I believe. Or the $50 Taco Bell challenge under 50 minutes) and stupid human tricks performed either by me or some stranger I meet. Requests can be sent to elhanan.greig@gmail.com as long as it doesn't involve me getting bludgeoned or man-raped. It can't be life threatening like trying to jump on to a moving semi from the 101 overpass by La Cumbre. Dumb. I will take a punch or kick to the groin or maybe even a jump kick by a known ninja. This will be all setup by the end of March along with pictures and videos. I haven't been on for a while and I apologize. I am re-re-committing myself to this blogging crud in an effort to do something with all my "youtube" nights of nothingness. Oh, and how could I forget, we'll be having the new unrban dictionary word of the week. Well, maybe month just until I get "treal" with this blog. I'm outta here like a fat kid in dodgeball. Peace. One.

Sam Is An Android From The Future

2008-09-18T16:22:00.001-07:00

What do you like to do on a day off from anything? Eat? Sleep? Veg out on some television? That's what I thought I was going to do but I guess Sam had OTHER plans. After I washed my salsa and chips down with two fat tires Sam asked if I wanted to watch his 300 Spartan workout. It sounds gay, I understand, but he wanted to see if I would be interested in trying it out for myself. On a later date. That date somehow became today so I shall break the break down for ya'll.

The Warm-Up

Circuit 2x15 for each workout:
squats on 1/2 swede ball
Leg tucks with feet on full swede ball
pull-ups on rope with body at 45 degree angle. Feet touching ground.
push-ups using the As Seen On TV rotating push-up grips

The Real Warm-Up

Resistance bands on ankles and above knees, using 1/2 of a basketball court for each workout.

Persistence pays off...Unless you're fat

2008-09-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

Tuesday felt aaight, as I did some lifting at the Shed. Nothing too crazy just some back workouts and some hangs on the campus board. Still too fat to try and do drops not to mention climbing the board for that matter. Body feels a bit weird from my thermogenics extravaganza over the weekend so I have stopped using them for this week. Or two.
The Monday before that was pretty funny. I went down to the Del Mar Pool with Sammie the Jew to meet up with Elijah and pump out some laps. I changed my mind quite quickly after watching Elijah and friends swim off like well choreographed synchronized train just tooting along these 100 yds of euphoria. I was definitely not ready for the long course as I have already shown at the Coral Casino in Montecito. In Elijah's words, I believe he said I looked like I was '...trying to drown myself and sucked at it.' Please correct me if I'm wrong, Sir Shamu.
The Bod

207lbs
27% body fat
Hate the player, not the game. The fat game that is. Word.

Back Stiznuff

3x10 rear lat raises - 20/25/35 lb dumb bells.
3x10 delts - front,mid and rear 20/20/25's
3x10 Arnold T-bar - 135/180/225/250 for 5 reps.

Climbing-esque stuff

3 and 4 finger hangs for 5 seconds 10x on each
around 10 holds on the wall for 5 seconds each.

asdf

A Whale's Vagina

2008-09-16T14:25:00.000-07:00

...That's what San Diego literally translates to word for word. That's where I was from Friday 12th till that following Sunday. We started the festivities at the good 'ol Fire House Museum for some drinks, dancing, and the meeting of Jews. Lots of them

PLANS FOR THE NIGHT

Get high on life, double shots of vodka and thermogenic diet pills - check!
Be the only amazing MALE dancer on the dance floor to attract the females - check!
Meet and greet most if not some of the family members - check!
Talk and flirt with inebriated/hooker/crazy chicks - check, check and triple check!
Be rad - check times infinite

La Jolla Cove

Saturday was the "personal" that I took as we hung out in the water for most of the day and then took a big shed at the climbing gym, solid rock gym.

Apnea training was on Alert Level: Red as I held my breath for numerous 45-60 second intervals as I tried my best to become the greatest underwater photographer ever.
Got to swim with seals as they frolicked in the water less than five feet from me. Awesome!
Tried dying at the climbing gym but I failed thanks to Shamu's amazing lifesaving magic tricks with an ATC. They don't call him Lobster Arms Jones McGillan for nothin'.
Finally finished my first lead rope expedition on a 5.9 with two(count 'em) stops only. Beat that Fat Lady Man Thing from SLO!
Gave what I believe to be the WORST DIRECTION READINGS from a GPS to my driver and no longer friend, Elijah. If you're going to be giving directions to any of your friends, need I remind you to NOT mix 2 or more thermogenic diet pills containing; ephedra, caffeine, yojimbe or any of those mixtures of any one or more said ingredients.
Learned how to use and bilay with and ATC in about 15 seconds in which I was certified to do so in San Diego at the climbing gym.
Saw many muffin snacks in which I could've eaten but refrained from. I am still sticking to my very strict diet guidelines; more cocoa cock crispies, less muffin snacks.

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, FUNDAY!

I had the pleasure of meeting and eating with Elijah's grandparents. Can't complain or think of anything negative about them because they were too nice. Elijah's at that age of grumpiness so he didn't want to stay too long. Maybe he was also grumpy at the fact that his Grandma invited me back to her house WHENEVER if felt like it. She used the words '...you don't even have to be with Elijah.' Something along those lines. Maybe she just has a thing for big tan men. We'll see, as the holidays are just around the corner. Thanks Goose!

Kefir? No, it's KeFEAR!

2008-09-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

9/9/2008

Totally fogot that I went to GVAC on Sunday (9/07) with Elijah. Climbed and Bouldered about as bad as I felt. Fingers were thrashed, and my twoarms were pumped. Yes, I have twoarms and not forearms because they are not fully developed. At least not from my side of the spectrum...of fatties.
Monday(9/08) became a swim-a-thon in which I overcame my lazyfatfuckinitus disease by continuing to swim until failure. Literally. I failed about half way through the day on 25's. Not even fitties. Pretty bummed but I'm glad that I'm WAY more active than I was a month ago. Tuesday turned Ghandi in his grave yo.
Me+Shed+Weights+NoXplode+Coffee+Tuna Pasta Salad=Ripley's believe it or not. I feel like I'm in a parody of some muscle mag; me with some weights behind me and then the next pic is me putting on a weight belt only to T-bar 225lbs. I can go bigger, I'm just not at the "awesome" stage yet. I'm still at the "I wonder what I can fit in my belly" stage. See lazyfatfuckinitus. Holds weren't too gooder, as I found myself falling off after some bad foot beta? Maybe I'll get corrected by the Gods of Rock. Climbing rock that is. I did some inverted crazy hanging back worker outter things that I got from Andy. They help a lot but are pretty demanding. Oh, they're the workout warm-ups he does before he goes in to the full front lever workout. Thanks Andy, I actually feel my back doing work under my sublayer of Phat-fat. And that says something.

Sunday
Too fat and tired to complete anything but some simple bouldering probs

5 problems flashed(Kinda made them up as a went)
3 failed attempts on top rope problems. Only got 1/2 way on all.

Monday

12 laps freestyle
4 laps with fins
2 laps with paddles
4 laps with kickboard
4 laps underwater

Tuesday

Back

T-bars like Arnold:
3x10 - 135lbs
180lbs
225lbs
3x10 Deadlift with 35lbs dumbbells
2x10 Shrugs with 215lbs
3x10 bentover reverse dumbell fly? That's what I'll call it for now.

Wall - Nothing but failure. Yes!

Campus Board - I'm still too fat and too week to do drops, let alone 1-2's. I try not to think about 1-4's and 1-5's.

Dr. Shmashmortion?

2008-09-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

9/6/2008

Saturday was pretty, p-retty good. I got on Power a lot more times than I thought was possible for a heffer. I still can't get to the pinch which is apparently the crux for just me. Well I guess the fat chick from SLO too but that's a different story. I'm getting really antsy at wanting to literally beat the snuff outta this 5.11d that I am tempted to eat Shamu's first born capybara. I don't really have anything to put up as a regimen that I stuck to or ALL the routes that I attempted. That's it.
Mr. Lee's shall be taken over by me shortly in the weeks, yes weeks, to come. My POA shall be no more than 5 redpoints. I might have to flash 5 redpoints to make a name for myself and then maybe even soloing something too. We'll see.

Quote of the Day:

Knocked Up

Ben Stone: Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where your at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. Your dead, your Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!

Are Those Bee Stings? Oh, It's Just Muscle

2008-09-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

Weeeellllll... Thursday was my first REAL workout day. Did the whole swim thing at Carp with the 'lijah and then hit the Shed after work. My PR for the year was put up on the bench at 225lb. and I managed to get a good back workout with weights. Held some different holds on the wall and did some hangs on the campus board. I was feeling a bit stronger with more energy than most days so I finished the shed with some abs on "the roller". As a side note to any current shredders that attend the Shed, I did get LAST IRON since I was the last one there at around 8:30pm when I left. My night didn't end there. I remembered to pack my "Mirdle" (the male equivalence of a girdle) to wrap around my raging 16 pack abs to increase sweat production as I biked from said Shed to Turnpike where I basically passed out for an hour or so. I was woken up by the Happy Polar Beer, better known as Cristian Clarke. For dinner, he made me two shots of Sailor Jerry to wash down with some Coke. Diet of course. Had a cup of wine after and ended up passing out for the night. It was definitely a long day that I look towards again until my 24 hours as The Rock suffices.
I don't want to steal anyone's thunder, so here are Los Numerous:

Swim

20 laps freestyle
4 laps w/ fins
4 laps with paddles
6 laps underwater

Shed

Bench

5x5's with at least 5 minutes rest time
135lb.
155lb.
185lb.
205lb.
225lb. - Failed after one rep
185lb. for 8 reps

Back

T-bar a la Predator Killer Man:
3x10's alternating leading hand every 5 reps
135lbs
180lbs
225lbs

Mimmicking butterfly motion w/ 5lb dumbbells
3x12's with 30 second rest times

20 alternating holds on the wall for each leading hand
5 sec holds on 5 rungs for 5 full circuits/cycles

2x10 roller abs
2x20 V-ups
2x20 Hanging Leg Raises

Tuesday was the Day...

2008-09-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

So I started 'Operation: Fatty' on Tuesday this week, September 2. Went to swim at the Carpenteria pool with Elijah Minelli. Didn't feel to good when I drank the pool water during laps. Apparently, having a huge ass is NOT good for incredibly strong swimmers like myself. I ended up doing more than my previous swimming attempts at GVAC. I impressed only myself.

Short Course (25 yds)

12 laps freestyle
6 laps with fins - butterfly kicks with one breath
4 laps w/ hand paddles - fun, but not an ass kicking
4 laps underwater from end to end

My previous record at GVAC with no training was 22 laps on short course. Yay me.

Elhanan "The Rock" Greig

2008-09-02T02:54:00.000-07:00

Another challenge has emerged; I shall transform myself in to Duane "The Rock" Johnson in the next two months come Octoberween aka Hallotober aka plain 'ol Halloween. I have a plan as of right now; run 4 miles 6x a week, swim 2x a week, and lift weights 4x a week and stay away from fat people. Surrounding yourself with certain people make you pick up their habits or lifestyle. Not just fat people, but in example. I have just started this and FAILED. Yesterday, September 1st was supposed to be the start of this plan of attack, orwhat I like to call P.O.A. Umm, where do I begin. The part where I didn't do anything to up my heartbeat except to walk to the bathroom to pinch a loaf? Or the part where I ate half of a banana creme pie I got from Madonna Inn? The bathroom's pretty straight forward; Got up from the couch, where I was watching Dexter I think, walked about 30 feet and relieved myself. The pie sounds bad but in my defense I did eat the said half during the hours of 12pm to 8pm. Four pieces, maybe five. I then proceeded to have a full box of spaghetti and some homemade bellini sauce with slices of a Louisiana Hot Link and a full 18 inch kielbasa. My timing to losing weight AND training to LOSE weight is Legen...wait for it (NPH!)
...dary!
Let's see how I do after work and some sleep. Maybe I need to get on the Elijah's workout plan...The whole 'almost died' plan. Yeah!

The Results Are In

2008-08-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a bit over a month since my day of failure. One I'm not to happy about; first, I didn't complete one of my challenges so it's like I failed them all. Second, I know I didn't train enough for this event in particular and I'm upset about that. Third I didn't even use the 25 hours I gave myself to complete it all very wisely.
25 hours is definitely enough time to finish 3 gallons of milk. 17 hours, however, is not. But Elhanan, why do you say that? Because my fat ass actually slept, rather P.T.F.O. after my FIRST event! It was a grueling one to say the least. Five minutes of sparring is already tiring. But try 5 - five minute rounds when you're fat and under trained. Did I mention I sparred with Hitman Sam aka Sammie the Jew aka Terminator aka The Robot aka The Israeli Monster Power House sent on a mission by God himself? He's a trained MMA enthusiast with a 10-0 record in his amateur record. I've never gone past three rounds with this guy, even at the peak of my training years ago with him. Some how, against all odds, I finished up five rounds. I did great for the 1st round in not getting submitted or tapping out. I think I did all right the in the second, as I held my own and felt strong. At least I thought. In the 3rd round Sam got me in a knee bar attempt which turned in to an ankle lock that I quickly tapped out on. The fourth round was bad. I believe I tapped out six or seven times if my memory serves me correctly. Two guillotines, three armbars, a rear-naked choke and some crazy leg/arm/hip choke alternative later I lay on the mats beaten and bruised. We set the rules as elbow grinding to the ears, and basically anything goes below the waist. As I lay there on my back, counting the sore and bruised ribs, I though to myself only a fat kid at Stop Eating Camp would quit here and now. It took me a 10 minute break to gain enough courage to go back in the ring/mats in the living room and get dished out another beating for 5 grueling minutes. It wasn't that bad actually. With about 47 seconds left to complete my 1st challenge, I got myself in to a standing armbar to my right arm that just screamed 'Hey! break me Sam, I'm lying right here!' I was so tired that my positioning on the mat, whether on my back or stomach, was absolutely horrible. My hips were high enough off the mat that it was as easy as cow tipping in Idaho. And that's too easy. I finished up the last ten seconds or so by just sitting there, trying to keep all limbs tucked in close to my body while Sam decided to see if he COULD actually break A rib in only 10 seconds. He failed BTW. Sorry Sam. It's going to take more than an Israeli-Jew Terminator sent back from the future to stop a Grunt. This is where the 8 hours of Fat Land came in to play.
I decided that it would be great to fall asleep for eight hours because that's what happens when you're fatter and in less desirable shape than you think. This was my downfall because those were crucial hours that I needed when it got down to the last minutes of my 25 hour challenge. I won't go in to too much boring crap so I'll say this; The 25 miles went down no problem. I ran 15 miles around downtown and SBCC and then biked my way back to Goleta. For every 30 minutes that passed I would walk a mile and then drink a bit less than a quart. I tried running after drinking but it wasn't hapening. If you're planning on drinking anything more than half a gallon of milk I hope you like the word 'constipation'. You'll be friends for at least two days. Pics of the event will soon come.

My 1st Birthday Challenge

2008-08-13T10:36:00.001-07:00

And he's Off...
Alright, so this is my first blog/er/ing thingy so if it looks as if a child wrote it, I did. I read about a book every two to three weeks so I have the vocabulary of a mid-twenties human, I just suck at putting it on paper. I also don't write about myself anywhere so that might be why I suck at blogging here, or anywhere for that matter. I was a loner as a child so I wrote stories in my head as I was burning ants or G.I. Joe's. This shall be my testament for my first "Birthday Challenge" which I will probably fail ultimately though it shall be a ride to remember nevertheless. Come along down my memory lane. To be. So around February '08 my good friend Elijah told me about his birthday challenge and to make one for myself. I was pumped up to here and read his blogs so I could get some ideas about what to do. Unfortunately, he decided to give us an early April fool's prank by trying to die from pneumonia. Because of that, he was not able to complete his "Neapolitan Challenge"; 1 gallon each of 2% strawberry, regular, and chocolate. I decided to have a run at this challenge like a bat outta hell.After many a month realizing that I'm probably NOT in the greatest shape, I decided to take off bouldering and swimming of the roster. Let's face it, when I go to the Shed, I never truly climb. I can hang like no other and I can fall like a Hollywood stuntman sittin' on six figures. Not really, but you get the idea. I think. I suck at campusing, and I never get up ANY of the routes Mustang or Shamu put up. My body weight is a liability to my own fingers and tendons so it's in my best interest not to put the Shed, Phil, Bob or Elijah in dismay. My acquaintance with the foregoing three(yes the Shed is its own entity and I believe it DOES have its own soul) is truly a blessing but I do hope we can move in to the "friends" stage. That would be delightful in the most heterosexual, manly way I could ever say/write it. Onto my challenges now.I'm blogging this late in the game due to my superb writing. See first paragraph. Also because I had to make so many changes to the actual challenges and training regimen. So here goes. On Friday July 11th, 2008 in 25 hours I shall attempt to: Run/jog/walk a marathon while drinking milk for the Neapolitan Triple Crown, spar with the Hitman for 5 five minute rounds with 1 minute rests in between each round and 25 hard boiled eggs. I have to keep all the milk and eggs down until the 25th hour but something might come up when I sparr. We'll see how it goes in the weeks to come.